Chronicles: Building and Buying a Home.

Good day,

I had the first walkthrough of my new home, and let’s get into it.

Going back a couple months, I decided to leave the rental community and commit to buying a house. This did not happen as part of a long drawn out search. I do not enjoy the home buying experience. I do not enjoy “going look at houses.” I do not enjoy “scrolling through listings, looking at potential and not potential homes.” I’m very decisive when it comes to living arrangements. A very serendipitous thing happened that lead me to this home.

I’m currently living in an apartment, the perfect apartment for me(and probably for many other single people). It’s one bedroom, one bath, attached garage. It’s so comfortable with a double sided fire place and granite countertops, a garden tub, and it’s in a very upscale part of Frisco, right behind the Star. It’s on the first floor, and that’s where the problem comes in. I have very inconsiderate upstairs neighbors who have made it a living hell. The noise level, constant slamming of heavy things, and tons of running at all hours of the day and night have made this apartment the worst place on earth for me, which is terrible because my home should be the peaceful, safe calm place needed for this trauma therapy journey.

Let’s think about trauma triggers and how therapy works. Trauma therapy has really enhanced who I am as a human and how I present myself to the world. I am so much more aligned, as opposed to the externalized version of myself to mask the vulnerable version of me that I was conditioned to think I needed to keep hidden. So, this is a constant practice to focus on not letting random life shit confuse me and trigger my traumatized nervous system. A constant practice, I tell you. When I am in the meditative state, enjoying the silence and peaceful moments, it really throws a Tyler off when the inconsiderate humans above me throw something across their apartment above me and it shocks my nervous system so hard that I have mild anxiety attacks. Most people have no idea what this is like because y’all have been living in these houses, disconnected from anything above you, so it’s probably never passed through your mind what it would be like if a bomb went off above you. It’s hard to live on the first floor, and I had enough.

Everyone has a max, right? I reach deep into my soul every time a max happens, and I try to make the right decision to fix it. My therapist showed me this technique to take a step back, take a look at my life, judge it, pick it apart, celebrate the amazing things, and then critique the unfortunate pieces. Looking at it, I was able to find all the joy, all the blessings, all the things for which I’m grateful, and then when I got to how I’m creating a safe, calm, happy home, there was a significant problem.

What do I do to correct this?

My first thought was to find a new apartment. So many times, I’ve been receiving advice to buy a home. I just had a hard time dealing with the idea of paying Texas property taxes. It’s still a wild idea to me that Texas charges people so much for land to the homeowners in this state. But, then I found a house that was brand new and reasonably priced, and made it feel like the mortgage and escrow would be affordable, basically the same price as my current rental but for a real home.

There’s this newer neighborhood, these new two story houses with the layout of a townhome, but completely disconnected! Come on! It’s the perfect house for a single person! Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, attached garage with a front, back, and side yards! I committed to this house, and the journey has been so fun. Watching the process of the house being created from the studs to the siding and all the interiors gave me a real appreciation for the fact that this would be my first real home.

Yeah, I had my tiny house in Louisiana from 2018-2020, but it’s hard to feel like a house is a home when it rolled in on tires that were removed once it was put up on blocks. This will be my first house on a slab with all the real house things, including equity! I have experienced so many emotions going through this process.

In the beginning, it was that adrenaline rush that comes along with a major purchase. I know I’m not alone when I say that spending big money, like buying a new car is one of the most thrilling moments of the human experience. I thoroughly enjoy knowing I’ll be considered for financing, the amazing moment when they realize my credit score, that I’ve worked tirelessly, painstakingly hard to keep good my whole life, will allow me to be approved for anything on the lot. So, home buying is the next logical step in the spending “big money” trajectory.

Then came the fear and anxiety of knowing that I’m committing to the idea of 30 years for a mortgage. I’m a Taurus, and I’ve discussed how I’m difficult with commitments. I enjoy the process of home buying, the experience from applying, getting approved, and finding the exact home is the fun part. The mortgage and moving and all the settling of the house are the pieces that drive my anxiety up. Imagine this unnecessary anxiety streaming through my nervous system mixed with the upstairs neighbors slamming things around when I’m home. It’s been a very trying time, pushing me to my dirty limits of what I’m able to tolerant and handle.

The last emotion I encountered on this journey was today, and it was something similar to anger, but it’s closer to disappointment with a dash of outrage. You see, when I originally agreed to make this risky purchase of a house in the process of being constructed, it was mostly out of the attraction to the front look of the home. It had character and a unique look that would set it apart from the rest of the boring houses on the street. It just had a good level of pizzazz, and it made me feel like it would be my favorite version of a perfect life to satisfy that piece missing from the big picture.

When the siding was being added, I noticed they weren’t doing it according to the original design I had ordered. I have a great support system at work that willfully came along on this journey, and when I showed them how it was looking, I got all the looks like “that’s not your house.” So, I said something to the sales agent to inquire about the design. All was supposed to be in the process of being corrected, so I wasn’t worried about it. Until today. I pulled up to the house with that front siding looking exactly as boring as the last time I drove up.

I was standing there with the quality assurance rep going through the walk through and one of the contractor team was with us, so it seemed like the right time to ask about the progress of the front being changed/updated/completed correctly to the design for which I originally signed. I appreciate team players who always support the company and help people, but I was met with, well you probably aren’t going to get that change/updated/completed to the design for which I had originally signed. You see, through my therapy journey, I’ve learned to live a little more aligned with telling people what I want. I want that front design that I signed for. So, after a couple rounds of going back and forth, totally controlling my words and making sure I didn’t completely obliterate the guys, they said, “well, we have to check the order sent to the city and it will depend on what that looks like if we can make the change or if it will stay the way it is.”

Just so you as a reader know, “staying the way it is” was not an appropriate action option. Most of the time, I surprise myself at just how patient of a person I can be with the nonsense of life. So, when a straight man requests a gay man to be patient, it’s one of the most humbling moments of the uneven playing field when the gay man is CORRECT! The order sent to the city was absolutely the design I had stated, and the level of respect I earned in that moment made the rest of the walk through such a pleasant experience.

I need to explain how this felt. I think I may unintentionally I come off as a completely oblivious idiot, like Alexis Rose syndrome. I’m fucking smart, I’m worldly, and my momma and daddy taught me street smarts, so I know my way around stuff! And when I earned the respect of men who choose to build homes, it feels pretty great. There were things noted through the walk through, and I know this is their job, but even the most minor issues were corrected immediately. The ball was set into motion to have the exterior corrected to the originally agreed upon design. It should be completed before my final walk through on next Friday, and I’m confident these guys will keep their word.

I’m so happy with this experience. It’s been challenging and there have been goods and bad, but I will close and move in in a couple weeks! Life is such an incredible journey, and I’ve been so patient with the process, and I know it will pay off!

Pictures are to come once the front design is finalized!

The time I got that lump.

Good day,

Life has been lifing. While I’ve been doing my absolute best here, this 39 year old body has plans of its own.

Back in June, I was out of town on a work trip in Alabama, having a truly hospitable southern experience, when Monday night, I noticed a small red dot under my left arm pit. I’ve never had any underarm issues in the past, so this was brand new for me.

The next morning, it seemed to be swelling, close to the size of an olive, but nothing remarkable. That evening, when I got back to the hotel and took a look, it was swollen, and slightly irritated and about the size of a kumquat.

The next morning, Wednesday, it was hurting, had doubled in size, and had expanded into something the shape of an oblong Magnalite pot, little wing handles, and all. All day, while working, I winced every time I’d have to let my arm down because it would put pressure on this massive lump.

When I got back to the hotel, it was in my best interest to head to the UrgentCare in Auburn, Alabama and try to explain this ridiculous story: A random, painful, unexplainable lump has appeared under my left arm, and I need someone to attempt to convince me that I’m not dying. It turned out she labeled it cellulitis, and prescribed Bactrim and OTC fever reducer.

I started the meds and that night, I woke up multiple times covered completely in sweat, literally head to toe, so obviously this was a bit more serious than what the my internet research was calling something that can go away on it’s own.

I flew home to DFW on Thursday morning and made an appointment for Friday with my regular doctor. Look, the lump had increased in size. Thursday night, it fit in the palm of my hand, something close to the size of a half avocado, and the pain was truly unbearable. I knew since it was growing, the infection was causing my body to attack it, so the growth was both good and bad.

Friday morning, I pulled myself together to make my doctor appointment. I love my doctor, but she has the worst poker face. When I lifted my arm to reveal the lump, I saw on her face, “This is way worse than I was expecting.” She examined it, and relayed the message, “I don’t have what you’ll need to make this better. It needs IV antibiotics that you can only get at an Emergency Room.”

Let’s break this down. I live in Frisco, alone. All my family and friends are splashed around Louisiana, so I don’t really have anyone to “take me to the ER.” I promptly engaged the Tyler Superqueen energy, put the Emergency Room address into my Apple Maps, and slid on my favorite sunglasses to cover the tears.

I arrived at the West Plano Emergency Room, and had to deliver the, “My doctor told me to come to the emergency room to get IV antibiotics” message. The receptionist looked at me perplexed, and handed me the clipboard of unnecessarily long admitting paperwork. I’d love a digital input option, like an iPad or something electronic. but I digress. The receptionist was lovely, and I remember her saying, “you backed into your parking spot right next to me, I thought that was cool.” :)

They took me back and that’s where the magical experience started. I had two nurses dedicated to my care, and the doctor eventually came in. The nurses really set my heart at ease and assured me that I was in great hands, and they would figure out the best plan of action. One was a sweet little lady with Cajun roots, and I immediately felt her Cajun comforting energy. She took away most of the initial anxiety just by saying, “I’ll be here with you the whole time, so you’re safe.”

I lifted my arm, and they began to inspect this lump. It was confirmed that it was cellulitis, but there was the problem of this giant lump being so close to lymph nodes, so they couldn’t just jab a scalpel into it to drain it.

But FIRST, they wanted to take an HIV test before getting anything started. For any of you sexually active people reading this, if you’ve ever had an HIV test, it’s the longest 10 minutes of your life. So many thoughts go through your mind: of all the partners you’ve had since your last test and if it comes back positive, which one was the one who gave it to you? and how were you so stupid? and that last hookup was the last! and praying to the God you don’t always believe in that it comes back negative, like every other time in the past because you’re a safe sex person and you can trust your partners and yourself.

The test came back negative, like expected, and the treatment began. The doctor drew a sharpie line around it to denote its size and shape and to be able to monitor any growth or shrinkage. A lovely side effect of the lump placement was that the whole time I had my arm up, I’d unintentionally huff Sharpie fumes. They started the first bag of IV antibiotics, and once that bag was empty, it was time to take a CT scan to investigate if the lump was affecting my lymph nodes.

I’ve never had a CT scan before. Let’s talk about the dye. She informed me that I’d feel like I needed to or was actively peeing myself, and if I’ve ever had hemorrhoids, it would make them hot. I was not prepared for how hot my bootyhole got in that moment!

Once the CT scan was finished, they hooked me up to the second bag of IV antibiotics that would take two hours to fully run through. Because I was there so long, the lovely staff asked what I’d like for lunch and let me pick the place. The food was delivered while the second IV bag was running, so I had lunch, then passed out, and the IV machine ringing once the bad was empty was the alarm that woke me up. I pressed the nurse button and the doctor eventually came in to reveal that the lump was too close to a lymph node, so they would not be able to stab it to drain it.

A fun fact of this wonderful doctor was her name. I won’t give the name away, but I will say that her name is the same as a talk show host, who was recently released from a conservatorship, and who’s name rhymes with bendy billiams. How you doin?

I was sent home with the painful, hot lump, but filled with two bags of the most infection fighting antibiotics allowed in one day and a prescription for another antibiotic on top of the bactrim. I arrived home, and napped something similar to the propofol nap when you get a colonoscopy.

Saturday was unpleasant, to say the least. In the morning, I noticed the lump was sort of making a head near the initial red spot, where this whole journey began. My family strongly believes in the healing power of the hot compress, so consistently, I kept the towel refreshed with hot water.

In the late afternoon, while I was lying in bed, I slid my hand under my arm, and realized the draining had begun. OH. MY. GOD.

I hadn’t really considered how this journey would eventually have to play out. I don’t know if my traumatized psyche had protected me from the idea that all the swelling was actually antibodies built up under my skin, and that they weren’t going anywhere but OUT, but it started and it hurt.

I can’t even fathom how pissed off the lump must have been for it to build up a volcanic tip, with CCs of molten infection fighting lava below the surface. For days, I had to monitor the lumpcano while it slowly drained, and scheduled a follow up appointment for Wednesday morning to check in with my doctor. That was the final day of draining, and I finally got my life back. I kept taking the prescribed antibiotics, and it went down to a fourth of the size.

There’s still no way to know what originally caused this lump, but the experience was eye opening and painful af!

The moral of the story is, don’t pretend like big things are small things that don’t need to be addressed. The thought passed through my mind multiple times that ‘this isn’t that big of a deal,’ but I had to remember: WWJD?

<3

Strength.

Strength is an unexpected side effect of a challenging life. One is not inherently born with strength. It is earned, and comes at an astronomically high price, but the reward is so worth it.

Recently, I began to open up to someone new about my past. My past is riddled with situations that truly tested my strength and resiliency to continue on this journey of life. The person I show up as in this current iteration of life bears very few physical markers of my past, but if you could look inside, only for a brief second, it would reveal the lessons time has taught me.

I want to preface this blog post by acknowledging everyone has hardships and challenges in their lives and I am not discounting anything or anyone or trying to compare my past with anyone else’s. I also know some readers may have experienced similar or exactly the same challenges, so I apologize if I indirectly awaken any suppressed traumas. Thank you.

I knew I would have to be strong from a very young age. The family I was born into had its own unique challenges, which is not uncommon, however, I had to learn to take responsibility for myself much sooner than most people I encounter. I’ve picked up on cues from other’s when I open up about my childhood that I definitely didn’t have what is considered a “traditional upbringing.” I’ve come to terms with that, but I was not exposed to certain pieces of life at a young age that typically help build the foundation for a successful future. Fundamental needs were met, but as for individual time and attention, I was on my own. I was specially conditioned to understand that when a problem arose, I needed to find the resolution myself, instead of seeking guidance from someone older or wiser. I don’t like to generalize, so I will say there were critical moments where I knew I could depend on someone, however, I began to feel a trend that if my issue did not meet a particular threshold, then it was best to not bother anyone with it. This created it’s own issues, including but not limited to me having what is perceived as a “secretive” life, a sole dependency on myself without a true feeling that I could ask anyone else for help, and an empty space that I had to fill with my own compassion, empathy, and self love. It goes without saying, but you can imagine how many times I had to learn lessons to hard way, fail at things that most find easy, and truly push myself beyond any rational person’s comfort zone. The direct result was independence being prioritized so highly that I didn’t know how to ask for help, and a constant feeling like nothing was going to last and that I needed to always remain hyper vigilant with every aspect of my life. I was a walking ball of anxiety and was explicitly considered a control freak into my twenties.

Let’s step back a bit to a point where my strength was tested as an adolescent. From as early as I can remember, I was constantly reminded of how different I am/was. I’ve known I was gay my entire life. There was a time in the beginning where I didn’t know what to call it, but other people around me did. Picture this, being 6 years old in first grade and someone asking if I was gay. I don’t think at that age the malicious aspect had kicked in yet, but I was being told I was different at a point in my life where the concept of “different” was not solidified in my frontal lobe yet. My uncles had always made fun of me, as I was a little more feminine than their misogynistic mindsets could fathom. They would outright call me faggot or gay and laugh like they had done something impressive. I just remember thinking, what is it about me that they can’t figure out? Am I challenging them so greatly that they must resort to ignorant name calling, even though I am not even directly interacting with them?

Getting the ridicule around family was one thing, but when I would go out in the world, it was even worse. I feared for my life on a regular basis. Walking through the mall, just casually exploring stores, and people would shout slurs at me, completely unprovoked. I would literally be minding my own business, trying to find clothes, and people would yell “queer” “faggot” or some other derogatory statement at me. It made no sense to me, again, I was just trying to live my life and find my place in this world, and I was always reminded of how different I am. I was being told by people who meant absolutely nothing to me that I needed to hear their opinion. I didn’t ask for their opinion, rather, it was forced on me. That’s a level of hatred that I will never understand. Live and let live did not exist in my world. I was challenged to stay strong, walk with my head held high, even though I knew there were threats and it would just take the right moment for someone to take advantage of the opportunity to ruin my life. I was so blessed that no one ever hate crimed me, but there were times where the threat was there, and I knew I needed to escape and hide in order to keep my life. This was real life.

That’s always been my biggest issue with this world. I am just existing, minding my own business, doing the things that make me happy and feel so right in my soul, and yet others feel it’s their duty to call out differences and use derogatory slurs to attempt to belittle or threaten me. The amount of strength that came from being exposed to those situations taught me several things:

• Family does not matter. If blood relatives were willing to be abusive and hateful to their own nephews, then they are completely useless to my future.

• Bullying is a much bigger issue than I have bandwidth to ever attempt to understand. Why do you have so much free time that you are willing to waste it on someone who literally matters nothing to your existence. I have always found my mutual exclusivity to those who belittle me has absolutely nothing to do with me, but 100% to do with them.

• I cannot allow my future, my existence, my freedom to be myself to be dictated by anyone. It has been such a difficult life, constantly criticized, always afraid of walking into and out of public spaces wondering if this will be the day someone has chosen to commit a hate crime. I did not choose this life, I did not choose to be this different, this outstanding, this threatening to the generally accepted version of human male. This is just what happened, and I hate that my whole life, I’ve been challenged to defend myself just for being unique, different, and as authentically individual as I possible can be, instead of trying to fit into someone else’s box(es).

Beyond the gay life struggle, life has been rather disrespectfully challenging. I maintain a positive, upbeat outlook on life, always focusing on positive vibes and the notion that anything is possible and people deserve the benefit of the doubt, but know now, that is where my strength is challenged the most. It does not come naturally to be positive and uplifting when you’ve been through the kind of personal life I’ve had to endure. People have shown me on too many occasions how not nice, not kind, not understanding, and willfully judgmental they are. I struggle with an illusion that everyone is accepting, hell, even at least tolerant of things that make us different, but I’ve come to realize that some character traits, some pieces of human nature are too difficult for some people to comprehend. Even though the resources are there to scientifically explain the differences, the willful ignorance is more important to them than treating people fairly and without judgment.

Mother Nature has proven she has the power to throw strategic curveballs at me(us) with some situations that have affected the planet as a whole. If we dive into the 2020 pandemic, there is a sense of compounded strength. That situation challenged me to the core. So many challenges, but lets go through just a few:

• Staying alive. The simple idea that people were dying from COVID19 was so threatening that it made me wonder if I would survive. I was a generally healthy person at that point, but there was no way to truly know where it would go, how it would end, what level of damage it would do. Luckily, I made it through, but the strength it took to stay mentally and physically conditioned was a daily practice of endurance and stamina.

• To Vaccinate or not. Ultimately, the company I worked for mandated that if I was going to continue to travel to clients, I would need to be vaccinated. That was a tough one for me. How could a corporation know what was in my best interest and set an expectation that if you want to continue to work, you will need to get this vaccine that hasn’t been fully tested over a long period of time. The internal fight over justifying that part was very difficult as I felt I didn’t have a choice, especially when I was getting so much negative feedback from anyone who felt it was not a good idea and that they’d never even consider getting the vaccine. The level of judgment that came along with it was so disrespectful.

• People not believing it was real.

• No social gatherings. I am an extroverted introvert, but even on my darkest days where I want to be completely alone, sharing a human experience can reignite my positive flame. Without the option to see people, having to quarantine in my home, really set me back. I had curated a really interesting life at the end of 2019 and into 2020, and I felt I was on a path to a really interesting future. When the planet shut down, my positive outlook was shattered, and I found a darkness that challenged me consistently and constantly. My inner strength was trying, but there were still days where I opted to stay in bed and avoid everything going on in the world.

The pandemic was a big enough test, but there were more items to come in 2020. Just as the signs of things getting back to normal began to shine, a devastating hurricane entered the gulf in August, headed straight for my life. I evacuated with my family, but what we came home to was truly life altering. The amount of complete and utter destruction left my spirit crushed and my soul was left asking the question, “am I supposed to want to keep living?” The challenges we faced once returning home were far worse than anyone could have anticipated.

• My parents’ house was unlivable, so they, along with my sister and grandmother, moved into my house. My house was 970 square feet, two bedroom/two bath and not enough space for five humans to comfortably live. There were three holes in my roof, some siding had been ripped off, and water had obviously gotten in through the walls as the hurricane blew through. We patched the holes in the roof with tarps and had mattresses in the living room to accommodate everyone to at least have somewhere to sleep.

• We didn’t have power for over a month, which meant we had a gas generator connected directly to the house. We would alternate the breaker box, the air conditioner could not run at the same time as the hot water heater, and other things were not able to pull the generator at the same time. We just had to wait for time to pass, for work to be done to rebuild the infrastructure to get power back.

• There was debris literally everywhere. 30+ year old oak trees in the yard had been mutilated and some had been uprooted straight out of the ground. It was a disaster area. It was like a bomb had been dropped, but the culprit was Mother Nature. How do you hold Mother Nature accountable? It was the worst internal dilemma because it made no sense. Staying mentally healthy during that time was so incredibly difficult, not to mention my whole family was going through the same mental anguish with no real resolution in sight.

• Food was an issue. Most buildings were also impacted, so grocery stores did not get back to business very quickly. We would have to drive up to two hours to restock food, and that was hoping the shelves actually had enough food for us to shop.

I still don’t know how I kept it together during that time. I was not mentally okay. I would meditate and call on my spirit guides to watch over me and my family, even though the heat was exhausting and there was literally nothing to do. Businesses were all closed waiting for repairs, so there was no shopping outlet to take my mind off of it all. These things were not shown on the national media. We were living like a third world country for over a month, and no one knows. I have told my story over and over and people just stare at me in awe with their mouths open, not realizing that this stuff ACTUALLY happens in the United States of America. My strength has been tested the most by Mother Nature by far, on such a monumental scale. I wanted to give in. I wanted to be weak. I wanted to cave and just let my life be over. I struggled so hard with reconciling what I could have done to deserve a hurricane ruining everything I had worked so hard for. Why did it happened? I couldn’t have done anything to avoid it, so I was left to her mercy. I didn’t know how to bounce back. I was broken.

Resiliency is a common theme in my life, and I didn’t ask for it. It lives in my central nervous system. It feeds on challenges and struggles and pushes me beyond what I believe I’m capable of. I never asked to be this strong. I had to evaluate what was left of my existence after the hurricane, and I packed my shit up and moved to Texas. That move had its own challenges and I was pushed to even higher levels of strength to make it through. Learning a new city, learning a new job, learning to live without my family next door, learning to live with a person, and then ultimately learning to live completely alone. I am still surprised and delighted by that experience, as I learned just how much I can tolerate, how to set boundaries, when to say “no,” and who I am.

Beginning the mental therapy journey in 2022 really sparked a deeper understanding of who I am and why I react the way I do to life experiences. I initially began therapy after a diagnosis of PTSD from the hurricane disaster in 2020. Trauma is very tricky and once I touched on one piece of my trauma, a whole slew of other traumas showed up wanting attention. Many different mental exercises were performed, including many months of EMDR therapy to retrain my brain. The largest challenge I faced with therapy is the 45 minute sessions. I have weekly sessions, and 45 minutes is never enough time to even begin to address a matter. As soon as something gets exposed it feels like it’s time to wrap up. I have learned many tools that keep me from having too many traumatic episodes, however, I was conditioned from an early age to be independent. Indirectly, anything that threatens my independence is a trauma trigger, because I’ve had to be so self sufficient that some small things can be perceived by my nervous system as a hostile takeover.

I always want to make sure I show gratitude for all the challenges in my life, big or small, because they have shaped me into this strong individual. The ultimate test of my strength is the constant reminder that I’m almost virtually alone in this world. There are very few people who have the capacity to stand up for me, to show unsolicited support, and to check in and ask “are you okay?” There are many days where I have to ask myself if I’m okay, and that’s not a problem. I’ve always been able to count on myself way more than most others in my life.

I do appreciate the people who show up on a regular basis to be part of my life, and I acknowledge I am responsible for pushing some people out of my life. I live in a mental space where intent is held in hard regard, so if a person intentionally brings positivity into my space, they get to stay. If a person is haphazard with energy and brings manic chaos too many times, I have to ask them to no longer be part of my life. I have had to make terribly difficult decisions with some people in my life who at one time mattered a lot, but growing apart is a fact of life. People either grow together or they grow apart.

In closing, I hope I shared some personal experiences that offer a bit more insight into how strong of a person I am, and what built that strength. I didn’t ask for it, but I can admit that I continue to grow through the challenges and my strength is finely tuned at this point. Many points in my life, I have wondered how my life would have been different had I not had to deal with such significant adversities in my past. Could I have still possessed this strength, but maybe it would have been manifested in a way that would have affected me or others in a more meaningful way, instead of me having to go dark so many times to eventually see the light again. This dimension does not allow for me to see the alternate outcomes, but perhaps it will all be exposed one day. My take on it all is, “if it can be this fucked up on this plane, I can only imagine the possibilities on other planes.”

Current Life and Whatnot.

It’s a Monday, and I decided to write.

Life is strange right now. I wanted to explore my thoughts and share some struggles and windfalls.

I want to lay out this blog post with options for the reader to skip over pieces that don’t seem realistically relevant or could inspire a sense of negative misunderstanding. If you choose to continue reading this post, then you are taking the chance of being exposed to some ideas I typically keep silent. I will be discussing deeply held ideals for myself and disappointments with some of the current happenings in the universe. Stop now, if you find this could be something too risky for your delicate nature.

Politics - Equality?

This shit is bananas. I’ve sat back, observed, given grace, and allowed my friends, family, and enemies to voice their opinions and share their intense views of the recent political happenings. I must say, some of you truly surprised me. I had no idea you all were harboring these thoughts, these values, these discriminatory beliefs about what it means to be a citizen of the United States of America. I won’t digress this time. I am actually appalled at some of the social media posts I’ve seen written, shared, and/or supported from people with whom I have spent large amounts of time. you hid it so well. You always made me feel like I was accepted, like I was loved, like you were open minded and made the conscious decision to be good, solid humans in this ever-changing landscape, but I was wrong. You played me. You played everyone. You did such a great job, and now I can see just who you really are. It’s wild, it really does make me feel so deceived. I have always been taught to see the best in people, to believe everyone is capable of being good, but I was fooled.

I am transported back to middle school with some of these people. I was very good friends with these people. They seemed so open minded, so accepting, in the opinion of “everyone deserves to be treated equally,” but adulthood has proven they are not those people. I wonder if these current people were shown the younger version of themselves, back when we were all awkward, jobless, with very little responsibility, would they be proud of the human they grew up to be?

Growing up as a gay person in a very small town in rural Southwest Louisiana, I knew I was different, I didn’t have to be told, but many of my classmates felt the need to remind me of just how different I was. There was a time where my intelligence, my positive outlook on life, and my extreme ambition to become something bigger and better than my small town was outshined by the fact that I was obviously gay, so none of the other things mattered. I was the subject of intense ridicule and torment, except for the pure, accepting humans that would sprinkle my life. I had many friends who seemed to accept me, who appeared to be able to set aside our differences and show me that I wasn’t the abomination that so many others were screaming at me. Those people are the reason I had hope. Now, however, some of those people are the same ones who are supporting an administration that is encouraging dismantling equal rights. These people have children. They are raising the future of this country, of this world, and I cannot help but take seriously the idea of what they will pass down to the future generations. What happened to our society? Did everyone lose their minds over the recent blip of existence, and now we’re left with such a clusterfuck of nonsense that will take several generations to figure out how to patch the holes, how to correct the choices, how to undo the votes for things that impact human nature as a whole.

I did not want to be different. There are conversations I’ve had with other gay people and other minorities about what it is like to not be “straight white” in the United States. This was not a choice. Would someone choose a life of unacceptance, a life where you are constantly fighting to be taken seriously, to prove that you are just as worthy, that you should not be treated differently, that you should be held to the same standards and given the same opportunities as every other human on this planet? Yet, this is exactly what is happening at this current stage of this perpetration of life. I do not want to be treated differently, I want to be treated equally. There is a serious problem of entitlement and blatant disregard for the wellbeing and safety of others in this country. I’m not straight, and I cannot just be straight, and I should not have had to fight as hard as I have to be considered equal and have the same right to marry as the rest of society. Why is it so difficult to see that equal rights is not a votable option. The idea of someone voting to take away someone else’s rights LITERALLY blows my mind. Who is thinking about gay people that much? I will never understand why people are thinking about gay people so much.

Do these people wake up thinking, “who can I tear down today?” Who has some rights that I don’t think they should have? Who’s the easiest target for me to snatch those rights? It makes no sense. Your decision, your vote, your choice is the deciding factor to take away someone’s right. It’s always been labeled as “gay rights” or “same sex marriage equality,” but you are not just taking away “gay rights,” you are taking away a human right. You are creating levels of society, limiting the rights of a group of people who deserve the same exact rights as everyone else. The United States has a history of controlling people based on their rights and this is just another example of the corruption in the government system that holds certain people down. It’s so unfortunate that we cannot have a fair and equal status in this country. There always has to be a race, gender, sexual orientation, or some other stupid identifying quality to separate the people. To divide the people. To make such a deep cut that certain groups cannot bounce back. If you are part of a group that wishes to divide the people, to limit someone’s equal rights, I have a message for you. Take a long look in the mirror and consider what you are doing. You are removing a right of a citizen of this country. You are telling someone they are lessor, that they don’t deserve the same level of rights as you. You are casting a decision that will impact whether someone is given the same inalienable rights as you. If you can live with that decision, then you have a major break down in your values, and you have darkness in your soul.

The idea of putting oneself in someone else's shoes is broken. The entitled sector of society finds it so difficult to fathom understanding someone else’s life that they have given up on even trying. I hope no one ever threatens to take away any of your simple pleasures, much less any of your actual legal rights. People are always trying to justify their evil choices with something from the Bible or an interpretation of something they heard from a preacher trying to make sure his pockets stay lined, but the truth is, it’s always a contradiction. Treat others as you’d want to be treated doesn’t seem to ring true anymore. Some people don’t want to treat others with the same respect as they expect, and unfortunately, if enough of those people show up to vote, society will fail to uphold the idea of equal rights. What’s so bad about equal rights? Is there a problem with everyone being able to legally do the same thing as everyone else? God forbid the “majority” and I say that with extra air quotes because straight white people aren’t technically the majority anymore, God forbid they ever have to suffer the thought of losing any rights. I challenge anyone reading this to take yourself out of your shoes, and strategically imagine what it must feel like to not have just as many legal rights as everyone else.

I was born in a time where marriage equality was not a thing. It was a right that did not seem to be equal among same sex couples. In 2015, the community gained its right to be just as special as everyone else in the United States, and now in 2025, consideration is being heard to take away that right. How silly of a society to actually consider removing a legal right that just levels the playing field. People are people, and none should be limited for any reason. It hurts to know the option for me to ever get married could be stripped from my future. Don’t let this happen, please.

If you skipped over the politics part, then you aren’t left with much. I meant for this message to be mostly about equal rights, and I feel good about raising my voice in this blog post. I don’t care if you have a differing opinion, and I hope you don’t feel the need to try to argue with me. I’m shrinking my circle of people who truly matter to me every day, and chances are you wouldn’t make the cut anyway.

I still intend to focus on love, and I want to manifest a brighter future for myself and the people who matter to me. I know we will find that future, I just hope it doesn’t take too long to get through this unfortunate phase. In closing, I want everyone to know that you are always going to get exactly what you bargained for. If you voted for the person who is currently running the country, then you got exactly what you wanted. You are going to have your white straight version of the United States for as long as it lasts, but it won’t be forever, because it’s unrealistic. It’s a facade. That isn’t a true representation of the United States, and if you think really long and hard about it, it’s never been a true representation. It’s an illusion of something that’s been problematic for centuries. The people running the country are not the people living, working, building, and creating the future of the country. The melting pot of the United States is still strong, yes it has been threatened, and decisions are made constantly to remove the notion of equality, but the people are here. The people are here to represent.

Texting is always an option.

Good day,

This morning, I was met with this incredible message from the social medias, and I felt inspired to follow its strategically understated recommendation to be connected with people that I’m supposed to be intentionally connected:

“Everything that is meant for you will find you.

From people, to moments, to things. If it is for you, it will come. And when it does, be there. Enjoy.

Live. And love.”

There are people I had been meaning to reach out to, but life has been so busy, which is really difficult because they keep showing up in my life, reminding me. Time is truly valuable and we are constantly losing more and more of it, so I decided to message people who have left a mark on my life. Sharing lives is the point of all this madness, so it was so great to reach out to and get a response from people from my past. Life happens, and being open to people coming back into your life allows for so many potential opportunities for more mutual love, support, encouragement, and celebration!

All I’m saying is reach out to the people who really matter to you. Don’t avoid them. Time keeps passing. Faster and faster. Talk to people if you want to talk to them. Have the moments. Make the memories. Share things. Celebrate things that need to be celebrated.

You never know when things may be over. Don’t miss out on the chances. Make the time.

Love,

Tyler

The Hornet Nest on My Balcony.

Summer in North Texas is cute, but has a few drawbacks. For instance, a swarm of Hornets have decided to build a temporary home under the bannister of my balcony railing.

I’m torn. One time, when I was a baby child, I was swarmed by wasps and I was stung many many many times. Like, had to be taken to the emergency room of the Cameron Hospital for a shot of epinephrine to make sure I survived. So, my dilemma is, as much as I want to remove the nest to protect myself from being inadvertently attacked by the over a dozen hornets on this nest, I can’t bring myself to take care of it. There’s this super Mac daddy hornet that acts as a bouncer on the edge of the nest. He’s keeping an eye out for any threats, and I just know that if I don’t keep a safe distance, he’d absolutely declare an attack on me and all his protector friends would join in to ambush me, just for wanting to sit innocently on my balcony to enjoy the summer breeze, which does indeed make me feel fine.

I guess I’m just worried to disturb them. They’re just doing their thang, building a life, producing eggs, doing their part to keep the circle of life somewhat balanced.

It makes me call into play my most inner morality to handle this situation. As much as I’d prefer to have a safe handrail, I am forced to choose the hornet nest this time. As I constantly become a more realized version of my adult self, I have to acknowledge that I’m the bigger threat to them than they are to me.

The moral of the story is: truly assess all the details and what repercussions your actions will have on yourself and the rest of the world. Be intentional, and don’t make ignorant decisions based on ill informed judgments or unsubstantiated information. We all must learn to understand and celebrate inclusion, even down to the hornets living rent free on my balcony. ✌🏻🐝♥️

Gay Men of Corporate America.

I want to begin this blog post with the declaration of the most positive intentions, not meaning to offend anyone or have facts misconstrued. We can 100% have an adult conversation later and debate, if necessary.

I’m a gay man in corporate America. It’s a very specifically honed subset of the American culture, and it has a major impact on every business structure in the market.

Several benefits are guaranteed once a gay man joins a corporate rung of a company:

• Diversity hire. Period.

• Either education or direct experience to back their resume and/or employment history.

• Integrity from being held back/down for significant periods of their adult lives.

• An instant ability to build rapport.

Those are givens, mostly because ALL applicants can’t be taken seriously in corporate roles unless they can walk the walk as well as talk the talk, but gay men are held to a much higher level of scrutiny. There are societal stereotypical “what a gay man acts like” from how influencers or Hollywood portrays the gay man. Each of us are very unique and have strengths and weaknesses, so it’s a bit of an insult when the expectation from the company folk is that we will all always be funny and sassy and cute and toned every single moment of every single day. It’s just unfair, but I digress for there is a much more positive message here!

The corporate gay man brings the flavor to the party. I suppose I should identity the corporate gay man of which I’m referring. This is not the under the radar gay guy that sits in a very finely organized cubicle and doesn’t really show much pride, much less any signs of a personal life. Not that one. I’m talking about the corporate gay man that has at least one pride flag in the cube, probably carries a bag, something similar to a purse, if he was a corporate woman. He probably has a tendency to smile more often, and legitimately constantly has some sort of extraordinary drama, which keeps everyone’s interest.

That corporate gay man knows how to finely curate positive relationships, influence good business practice, and provide nuance to difficult situations. They guide a sense of hope and kindness to keep the goods good and shine a light when the bads happen. The corporate gay man is so often under celebrated, when the alternative could be a work environment with far less excitement.

The corporate gay man is typically an overachiever and intentionally chooses to voice his opinion and offers an expert perspective to balance the scales. They do come along with their own set of unfortunates, but generally speaking, they can still throw out some stories about a day in the life.

If you have a gay man in your corporate environment, cherish the fact that you are privileged enough to know what it’s like. The corporate gay man is a gift, a well designed mechanism of a human that allows everyone else to live vicariously through to show them what reaching expectations is truly like. Corporate gay men are able to go the extra mile and learn the extra information to commit to being a star employee. Keep in mind that exerting all that energy takes a toll, so offer compliments as often as possible or necessary. We need the extra encouragement, sometimes. I mean, you want to keep us around, eh?

In closing, enjoy the fact that you have a corporate gay man in your space, because if we don’t feel valued in the company we’re in, there are other huge companies looking for an outstanding new gay man to add to their corporate landscape! ♥️

Pieces of Me.

I’m very candid about my trauma therapy journey, including, but not limited to talk therapy, meditation, EMDR, group therapy, and at it’s simplest version, positive reinforcement. After Mother Nature’s indirect shenanigans in 2020, I was diagnosed with a wild case of PTSD, and realized it was in my best interest and the best interest of the entire universe to seek some help to gain a good grasp on reigns of my mental and emotional life. Through all these channels, I’ve learned so many things about myself and my abilities, along with unlocking the door to the darkest depths of my soul, the places where the sun refuses to shine. So, you know what I did? I brought a lamp down there and I plugged it into my soul, and I began slowly illuminating the buried good, bad, pretty, and ugly memories of my past. There’s this thing that happens with any level of trauma: your memories, whether good or bad, get lost in the traumatic experience. For me, I had to relive terrible moments in my history in order to regain the great moments that were lost in the traumatic transition.

Let me clarify something here. There are levels of trauma. Humans have different levels of security and insecurity which are influenced by traumatic experiences. Everyone I’ve ever met in my entire life, personal, professional, friends, family, even strangers, has trauma. It’s how you handle it, how you address it, how you heal it, and how you continue to work on healing it that really counts. There’s no shame in trauma or seeking help for it. This is a safe space, a judgement free zone. I’ve been exploring the different pieces of me that make up the whole Tyler. My therapist and I have been over this multiple times and the greatest conclusion we can come up with is that there is no normal, there is no black and white for how a human’s brain and personality work, and the simple fact is that responses to emotional stimuli are fluid. That’s right, it’s fluid! There is no “this is how I am programmed and I will always react this same way every time, no matter what!” It’s fluid. I may have several different reactions to different situations and I can feel each and every one of them because I’m outside of the “a thing happened, and here’s the traditional response that other ‘normal’ humans typically respond.” I’m not typical. None of us are, but society has to create buckets of reasonably acceptable responses to uphold the unfortunate idea of stereotypes. But alas, I digress! This post is not about that…it’s about the pieces of me that steer this ship.

Recently, during a session, my therapist and I did an exercise similar to a meditation to evaluate pieces of myself. I was to close my eyes and call upon a piece of me that I don’t focus a lot or enough energy or attention on. I thought hard and pulled up my vulnerable side and also the anger side. The anger side is difficult to conjure up, but vulnerability isn’t very hard for me. While focusing on my vulnerable side, a strange thing happened. My essence, my soul, my light side emerged. It was my pure self, the other worldly piece that gets covered up or pushed to the side in my regular life. I always have so many other things/obligations that this part of me is often almost smothered out, which is sad because this is my most authentic, natural, organic piece. It’s the me I want to always strive to stand firm in and can trust. In that moment, however, the doubt, insecurity, and harsh control factors popped back into play and pushed the light back down or to the back of the space.

In that meditation experience, it helped me realize that I need to describe or label the pieces of me and how they interwork with or against one another. I need to break down just how the pieces affect the whole and what I can do to ease the stress and burden of keeping it all in balance, ultimately maintaining a level of fluidity to have it all together but with separate pros and cons. It’s a novel concept to believe that humans are consistent in their emotions, but that’s just not always the case. We are complex, complicated specimens, and reactions are not always predictable or guaranteed to be the same as the last time.

Here we go: (this list is ever growing, but I’m pretty confident in these pieces)

• Essence - my core being

• Manager #1

• Firefighter

• Outside Auditor

• Insecurity

• Security

• Bad Decision Maker

ESSENCE - SOUL - INNER CHILD - BEFORE TRAUMA: This piece is the trust form, the purist, the me that I want to be all day, every day. This piece has a very strong voice with volume capabilities to overpower and shout over any other piece to gain my attention and keep things real. The essence always has my best interest in mind and is willing to duke it out to stay on the correct course of action while always being a team player. There is always room for improvement, but the essence really is the path I would have stayed on and constantly work to get back to had all the trauma and difficult times not forced me into this guilt ridden state of necessity. The essence is a place of great power and strength, always able to steer the ship back to a healthy center and maintaining grace and gratitude for the entire mental health team. LOL.

MANAGER #1 - THE BADDEST BITCH - INTERNALIZED CARETAKER: This piece normally uses good judgement to make great decisions with safety and security in mind. Cautious - powerful - strong - not always perfect and not always a true team player. What to say about the manager? She was created out of some sort of intense trauma from a very young age. There must have been some significant reason for me to conjure up such a badass mother fucker to run the show for so long. She is the epitome of security, taking things too far many times to keep me and the essence piece from getting hurt or having feelings in general. The manager sits in a place of logic and fact. The other pieces are always agreeable because she is practical and takes into consideration the most important facts and makes, well suggests or recommends the perfect case scenario, regardless of what the other pieces have to say or how they will be affected. The manager has typically taken into consideration every detail of the situation and keeps a level head when persuading me to choose a decision, but doesn’t always incorporate emotions or feelings, which can create problems. Life decisions aren’t always 100% logical and require emotional aspects. Along the journey, the manager has been more open to emotions and allowing other pieces to step in and help with the final decision, but often times, the logic does outweigh the other challenging pieces. Lots of credit must be given to the manager for getting me through extremely tough times, and I cannot really ever dwell too long on “what might have been different” scenarios had the manager never been introduced to the journey. I keep a close eye on the dealings of the manager because there have been times where my essence has been put on autopilot or checked out during intense times, and the manager stepped in to take control, not always leaving a crack in the door for the essence piece to keep watch on things to ensure a healthy balance. Those moments were also times of extreme trauma or instances where I had been prescribed an antidepressant or anxiety medication, which weakened the essence piece and strengthened the manager piece. I believe in medicine helping people, but for me, it was merely a bandaid, which when ripped off exposed the pre-existing trauma, still waiting to be treated. I work very hard on keeping the manager in the loop, but she has been retired for some time now. She is only allowed to take the reigns if I’m having an extremely rare bad day or if I need some reassurance from self doubt issues. I’ve done a lot of work around lifting myself up and not needing to depend on the logical strengths of the manager. As time goes on, I can imagine keeping the manager on as a consultant, but not full time, and definitely no benefits(LOL), just in case the essence piece ever needs some backup.

All in all, I’ve appreciated the manager along the journey of my post-trauma life, but she needs to stay in her lane and not try to manipulate the show with overly logical persuasion. The Manager #1 is often equated to an Oprah-like figure or someone of high power or significance. A bad bitch or a bad mother fucker.

FIREFIGHTER - SECURITY - PROBLEM SOLVER and PROBLEM CREATOR: My therapist helped me to narrow down this piece as an extra piece in the mix, but a manager #2 type of role. The firefighter has good intentions and does great work, however, there always seems to be a regret or something else is ruined because of the firefighter’s influence. In practical terms, a firefighter is there to put out a blaze, however, when they are gone, they may have put out the fire, but they’ve soaked all the contents and ultimately indirectly caused other damage. Sometimes, it feels like the firefighter is just the Manager #1 with no regard for the outcome or the responsibility factor is lost. There’s no way for me to truly understand why the firefighter is part of the show, but my therapist can sight situations where I’ve made a good decision, but it caused another problem or issue, so I guess it’s real, but IDK.

INTERNAL AUDITOR - OVERSIGHT: This piece is an influence that seems to keep the moral compass pointed in the correct direction with the essence piece, Manager #1, and any other outside force that could hinder the outcome of a situation. The manager may not even realize the auditor is there doing a second check to make sure nothing has been inadvertently missed. This auditor is wild and crazy because the most random potential idea will show up with no chance of happening, but it’s still there as a possibility. It appears the auditor was created as a backup plan if the well thought through Manager #1 still couldn’t guarantee my safety. How far I was willing to enhance myself after the trauma to make sure I was safe and secure. I can understand the significance, however, it’s a bit overkill.

INSECURITY - This is the piece that cannot accept the flaws of this existence very well. The essence piece is flawless, 100% unique, individual, and one of a kind. I always strive to stay secure, but there are things about this physical being that make me self conscious or doubt myself and lack confidence. The insecurity isn’t a piece that shows up often anymore, mostly because I’m pretty proud of my whole self and not many people can penetrate the forcefield around me.

SECURITY - I possess a strong secure side that keeps me happy and satisfied with this life. I tend to enjoy being alive and sharing the special moments with myself and all the pieces. They all contribute to the greater good. Being secure hasn’t always come naturally. Being confident is one thing but owning the security of one’s existence is not easy. I’ve found a consistent connection with security and confidence, so when the scale is ever tipped, it balances back out pretty quickly.

BAD DECISION MAKER - Even with all these great supporter pieces, there is always the bad decision maker. This piece acts out of impulse and sabotages a great thing when given the least bit of a chance. This piece is steadfast and brutally argumentative and will challenge the manager, the firefighter, and all the auditor pleas to cease and desist, and sometimes, when the system is too weak, bored, hungry, horny or looking for a thrill, it will win. The bad decisions are made, and while it may offer temporary excitement or satisfaction, there is burden, guilt, and the remorseful aftermath. Minutes, hours, days or even weeks will be required to heal the bad decisions, and yet the lesson is never really learned, for when a risky or thrilling opportunity arises, the bad decision debate will again rear its ugly head and 9 times out of 10 will get its way. The other pieces aren’t necessarily disappointed or mad because for that brief moment, the entire system wins, even if it’s only temporary.

The pieces are fluid, never black and white. It may sound a bit outlandish, but have you ever experienced trauma that made you react a certain way, created an irrational fear of something that others can’t necessarily understand, or you’re too ashamed to even discuss it with other people in your life. Have you ever met someone with a trauma that has manifested itself physically as a tick or trimmer? These things happen often and to people who are closest to you. I chose to deep dive into my trauma because I have this one shot, this one chance at this life, and I was tired of wasting it in a place filled with too many trauma responses. This is a glorious life, and I’m so grateful for all the amazing gifts and blessings I’ve been given. Have you ever considered assessing your own pieces? :)

Healing takes Patience.

A good friend of mine reminded me recently that healing takes patience. Such a simple concept, yet I seem to forget about it on a regular basis.

I’m currently healing. Life happened, and I’m now figuring out where to go, what to do, and how to do it. Processing life when things change can be almost intolerably difficult. There are pieces of history lodged into the landscape of the world and memories are triggered almost constantly.

When a memory it’s triggered, my brain goes into find a solution mode. This is where patience comes into play. I don’t have to find a solution. The only thing required is to feel the memory, embrace the thought, reflect as long and as much as necessary, then release it.

Healing can be very difficult. To create a change, one must find the inner confidence to make the change, then commit to it. That’s the tricky part. Committing is nearly impossible when it comes to life changes. It’s so easy to fall back into something familiar, or rush into a new situation to avoid healing, inevitably prolonging the healing and pulling someone else into the unhealed situation.

This is where the patience comes in. Patience to allow yourself time to heal, time to focus on yourself, recenter yourself, realign your values and get your heart back to a place of pure love for yourself. Only when you truly love yourself can you love someone else in a healthy way.

On my personal healing journey, when I am triggered, I am uncomfortably reminded of the decisions made in my life. The intimate details aren’t for public knowledge, but the healing process takes time and focus. It’s a journey, and I’m very much interested in seeing where it leads.

Thank you.

The Tyler.

In therapy, one of the things we work on is me seeing myself for who I am.

Sometime during the pandemic or 2019 or somewhere betwixt ages 12 and 37, I felt this disconnect from my brain and my physical presence. I’m not sure if anyone else understands this, but for me, I am a brain carrying around this body, and if I take good care of it, and reward it, it will keep carrying me around and we will have a happy life together. Not everyone may get that, but welcome to my life.

Now that you know that, let’s describe me:

Every day, I wake up around 7:00AM, give or take a couple/three snoozes. I go to the bathroom and take a shower. Always hair, face, body, in that order. Two face washes because I like one to clean with a moisturizing effect and one that will actually clean my face. Occasionally, a light scrub to exfoliate, but not too often, the face skin is sensitive. Dry off, then it’s always brush the teeth, blow the noise, apply the moisturizer, add the eye cream, grab the hair dryer, dry the hair, underarms, and nether regions, apply the deodorant and body cream, and go to the bedroom to select the outfit.

The outfit selection process is strictly mood based, and for a while I was having a dreary mood, so I acquire and wore many shades of black and grey. Since that time, I’ve incorporated more brighter colors, but nothing too harsh. The shirt is chosen first, underwear, then the bottoms, but mostly it has just become shorts constantly because it’s so hot on this planet. Once the clothes are on, the it’s time to style the hair. The TRESemme #4 hairspray puts the entire look together, but don’t forget to floss. I find some shoes, or if I’m working from home, I just barefoot around. My place is mostly carpet. I turn on the light for the fish and shrimp and give them more than the recommended serving size of flakes because they are glutinous! I try to always open the front door, take a deep breath in of clean city air, take a look around, see if anything exciting is happening, which there’s never anything.

From there, I head to my desk, check in with the ladies with whom I work, and begin to do work for hours and hours. When lunch arrives, I think of something exciting to cook, but then end up putting together the same boring Caesar salad I eat almost every day. It’s a healthy balanced lunch. Then more hours of work, and finally I arrive to some stopping point, because the work could quite literally go on into oblivion. I try to have some friendly conversations throughout the day, to keep my sanity. When you work from home and you live alone, things can get a little touchy, but I always force myself to leave the house at least once per day. Occasionally twice, but that requires a lot of energy.

After work, I head out for a walk in the park walking path. There are always tons of people around, so the sense of community is there, even though we rarely speak to one another. I have met a friend or two on the walking path. It’s such a serendipitous moment when two complete strangers see one another on an almost daily basis for months, and finally get the chance to have a spontaneous conversation. That’s what city living is like. It’s not all the hustle and bustle of the traffic. It’s the conversation that two people from completely different walks of life share in the wide open with no internet needed. While I’m out, sometimes I’ll open the sunroof and cruise around town. Everyone else is just cruising around, too, their minds all lost in some random thought and thank God we have cars that drive themselves to keep everyone safe.

I head home after the walk to have a nice hot bath, and contemplate dinner. The plants need water, so I make sure they’re taken care of, and that the fountain doesn’t run out of water. Sometimes I just order delivery for dinner, but lately I’ve been cooking a bit more. I’ll eat, turn on the tv or read some more of a book, and let my mind chill. It’s a nice life. Then eventually, I drag myself to bed, take the doctor ordered pills, and get into the comfy bed. Say my prayers, pray for everyone, get my thoughts settled down, and finally pretend to be asleep long enough to actually pass out. Then, that’s when the fun really begins! The dreams are wild and I talk in my sleep, and I’ve been known to walk around in my sleep.

You see, my life is something magical. I don’t have kids, I’m always traveling to some crazy location with my job, and I end up enjoying my free time. It’s time to look at the big picture. Life isn’t going to live itself, so as my good pal Dolly Parton once said, “You better get to livin!” ♥️

5 year reflection.

I struggle with accepting how far I’ve come. Let’s take the last five years and do a side by side comparison. This may help the readers, also. If you’re so inclined, do this exercise at home. :)

Thinking back to 2018, where was I?

Work? CSE Federal credit union, Call Center Manager

Car? 2016 Honda Civic

Home? My sweet two bedroom/two bath cottage down Quinn Lane, Louisiana.

Relationship? Nothing significant and no true prospects.

Goals? To be better than I was currently.

Friends? Very close to all my friends. Would see them on a regular basis and had many, many great times.

Reality? I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Very driven, but not quite sure in which direction.

The future? Umm…I was in a position where I couldn’t really focus on the future. The present had consumed all my energy, so there was no leftover energy to think about what would come next.

Now, to the present, 2023.

Work? Fiserv Solutions, System Optimization Consultant

Car? 2022 BMW 430i Gran Coupe

Home? Apartment in Houston, in the middle of the best part of town.

Relationship? Engaged to a great guy. Working our way to a fantastic future, remembering to constantly focus on love.

Goals? Complicated answer: to continue to challenge myself to grow and expand my knowledge base. I may go back to school, I throw the idea around constantly. I plan to feel 100% secure in all my decisions and open my life up to all the possibilities, trying not to overthink any one opportunity.

Friends? I have a ton of people who are my friends, however, my closest friends are all back in Louisiana. It becomes difficult at times because I do want to run to one of my friends for a hang out. The time will come where that is possible. This life is a work in progress.

Reality? My reality was forced to shift in 2020. Lots of covid, unemployment, hurricanes, a move, a complete lifestyle change. It has been borderline overwhelming, yet I continue to succeed at life, and that’s the bottom line.

The future? That’s a tough one. I’m so very blessed with this current present moment that the future can only be filled with more and more blessings to enhance my current life.

If you had told me 5 years ago that any of these things would be my current life, I would have immediately gotten overwhelmed with anxiety and probably would have tried to convince you about how incorrect that is. 5 years ago, I lacked the confidence in myself that it currently takes to make this life a success. I would easily get anxious at challenges and always felt so worried about failing. The current Tyler never considers failing as a possibility. Everything has a lesson to teach. Some lessons I have learned more than once, and I still appreciate the lesson, even when it’s repeated. That’s the true challenge in life: being able to assess every situation and realize there’s more to it than just how you feel about it. Emotional maturity is always on your side. I cannot get upset with life because I am always doing my absolute best. That’s the answer to the riddle, always do your best and be proud of yourself. No one can take that away from you. Be so boldly yourself that people are either too insecure to talk to you or so interested in your power that they cannot help but talk to you. Just be kind, be grateful, and most of all, remember who you are. You are unique, one of a kind, and you cannot be compared to any other human on this planet. Just be you, and be it to the max!

♥️

Hobbies: I collect crystals and rocks.

Ever since I was a young gay boy, I was always fascinated by shiny things, especially things that were completely nonsensical. For instance, I vividly remember the first time I saw the diamonds worn by Elizabeth Taylor. She had the most perfect diamonds, and I knew those had been dug up out of the earth, not man made, so it made them all the more fascinating to my brain! Humans have figured out a way to make just about anything, but cannot do what it takes to create the crystals and rocks of the planet! That’s some outstanding strength and pressure, so quite literally, every single crystal will always be completely one of a kind. That’s why I collect them.

I have a really extensive collection, if anyone ever wants to see them. 🥰

In my humble opinion, when something is legitimately one of a kind, it should be collected and treasured! I have an extraordinarily large collection of crystals, and I picked them out one by one based on how their appearance and energy spoke to me. None of my crystals are just sitting in the case, I hold every one of them, some not so often, and others on a more regular basis, like the ones I carry in my pocket everywhere I go. They provide different levels of energy to enable me to be inspired to move forward each day.

The energy is not always physical energy. I believe other people feel things from crystals and rocks, but I’m talking about the mental energy they provide. I’m able to feel the future change sometimes when I hold a one of a kind, perfect stone. The inspiration, enlightenment, level of satisfaction and empathy that comes from a crystal is amazing and quite miraculous.

I believe things hold energy and are allowed to expel it where ever and whenever they please. Sometimes it’s a memory of good times, sometimes it’s a memory of trauma. It’s okay to have triggering moments from things, that’s how healing happens, however, there’s a paradigm.

If you surround yourself with lots of things that trigger negative mental energy, then you’ll stay dormant. Your positive, uplifting, joyous mental energy is dormant due to trauma. If you can begin to surround yourself with things that unlock positive mental energy, the game changes.

Your life will seem like possibilities and opportunities, not as meaningless and insignificant. You are one of a kind, we are all one of a kind. That is something to celebrate, enormously! Crystals and rocks are always 100% one of a kind, which triggers my mental energy to remember that I, too, am one of a kind. You and I have potential that is yet to be unlocked. On my journey to that potential, I plan to continue to surround myself with beautiful rocks and crystals for uplifting enlightenment! What will stimulate your positive mental energy? Are you ready to find out?

It’s worth it. ♥️

Breaking the Magic Shell on your Heart.

It’s been almost two years since my life was flipped upside down and inside out, when Hurricane Laura blasted through my community. The devastation caused such enormous damage that after living off a generator for a month, I made the decision to relocate to Houston, TX. Luckily, through all the madness, I met my fiancé, and began a new path on my journey.

The love grew over time, and the life began to take shape. The job I had found to get myself through the relocation was doing the trick, and unexpectedly, I was recruited into this traveling career. It’s been over a year of traveling and presenting my knowledge and skills to companies across the country.

I felt like I was truly the person I always wanted to be. I have the job, the car, the apartment in the city, and the love of a truly amazing human. All these things were brought into my life as a result of a trauma with which I am still dealing.

Ask anyone from my small town if they’re truly okay, and you’ll get the same response. We will never be okay. Natural disasters happen regularly around the world, and Southwest Louisiana is no exception. Our kind of natural disaster at least gives us a warning a few days ahead of time to get out, but the damage left behind after it’s gone is life changing.

I recall being evacuated in San Marcos, Texas as Hurricane Laura developed stronger and stronger in the Gulf of Mexico until she was finally ready to go inland. It was a big storm, but size cannot compare to the speed. More than 200 mile per hour winds tore everything apart in her path, and my home and my parents’ home were no exception. The land I had spent my entire life was forever altered. My parents were able to rebuild and put things back where they belonged, and I was able to move away and start a new life, but the emotional and psychological damage are a different story. The amount of trauma that I carry around with me is difficult to measure.

I have a happy life. I have a great family and all the creature comforts that most people dream of, however, it doesn’t heal the heartbreak that Hurricane Laura caused my life. Such an enormous amount of heartbreak that it has taken much longer than expected to truly address or heal from it.

I thought I was going to lose my mind. I tried so hard to be grateful for the changes the hurricane brought, but in reality, I liked being in my little part of the country. I come from rural roots, so part of me was convinced that I was supposed to live out my days in Southwest Louisiana with my family. That’s not what happened, and I’m glad I was flung into a new life, but there’s no denying the effects of a giant shift like this. I knew it was time to at least start the healing process, and get the ball rolling.

My friend Patricia suggested I go see a mutual friend of ours about having my chakras unblocked. I am a very spiritual person, and I’ve heard clearing a chakra can make a difference, but I’ve never had an overwhelming feeling like, “omg, my chakra is so blocked right now!” I honestly felt like I was soulful and self aware enough to be able to just clear my own chakras and go about my business. This time was different.

I’ve learned to trust the guardians in my life, and this time, I knew I needed to at least explore the possibility of my soul having some issues. I scheduled an appointment with our mutual friend, and I drove from Houston to Lake Charles to see what would happen.

I really enjoy living outside of the box, and this experience was way further than I’ve ever gone. I was asked why I felt I needed to have my chakras unblocked, and the easiest way to describe it was chaos. I have been feeling like life had turned into chaos and that very few things were truly how I wanted them, or even what I wanted. I felt I was living in some sort of alternate reality, where I just played my role until I had opportunities to shut it off and decompress. That was really beginning to way heavily on me because I’m a Taurus and we’re meant to be free!

I was instructed to blow all the chaos and everything involved in it into the stone I had chosen. This was both symbolic and realistic for me. It was going to shift my entire life, a whole life paradigm was about to happen, and this experience did not disappoint. We began by finding which chakra needed addressing. She took a pendulum and the clear chakras would spin clockwise and any chakra needing to be unblocked would be counterclockwise.

I’ve always had issues with love and being loved, so it was no surprise that my heart chakra was blocked. She placed the stone over my heart, and we began the healing process. It wasn’t witchy or crazy. It was mostly just stimulation of the energies. I needed to address the issues that were keeping my heart blocked, and find the answers!

She asked me to call on my spirit guides or guardian angels to be present through this experience. Of course, I thought of my favorite people who had passed, my great grandmother, Momo Esther, and my grandmother, MawMaw Sue. Both are definitely qualified to watch over me and I always feel protected knowing they’re there. The strange thing was, about a minute later, I was getting all in the mental zone, and my cousin Wesley popped into my head. He’s been gone quite a few years, but I remember thinking, “I didn’t expect YOU to be here!” and I thanked him for showing up. Also, randomly, the name Bryan showed up in my head, which is the name of my close friend from high school who had passed. I knew I was protected.

We kept going on this healing journey, and I began feeling the issues seem less and less important. I was not quite sure what was happening, but it was really getting good! She used an energy sensor to see if I had any other high frequency areas. My left shoulder showed high energy, which is no surprise to me because I had been in an automobile accident in 2009, which caused some trauma to my shoulder and neck. Shortly after, she prayed over me and it was finished.

We took a moment to visit everything that has happened through the chakra cleaning experience. She told me, now I had no said anything about my guides, that there was a male presence in the room. So, I explained how Wesley pooped into my mind. Things got really interesting when she said earlier that morning, she has seen the letter W three different times on a walk. I was overwhelmed with emotion because Wesley and I weren’t super close, but he was definitely taken too soon. It’s nice to know he’s watching over me.

We wrapped up with a prayer and my homework was to give myself more grace and allow myself to feel the things I need to feel.

My experience may not make sense to everyone, and that’s okay. It was mine, and if you ever have something like that occur, you’re more blessed than you’ll ever realize. The magic is all around us, it’s just hard to focus enough to feel it and recognize it. I’ve made huge strides since the chakra cleansing and I know I may have to revisit the healer, and I’m okay with that.

My complicated past will not dictate my future.

♥️

What are we doing, here?

I was thinking as I was taking a bath, as I often do. Dinner is on the tubside, because I still can’t help the feeling of doing my two favorite things at the same time: eating and taking baths.

I thought about how I feel very connected to my soul, and over time, I’ve realize that my soul has been around a lot longer than this go round. I have no physical proof, but only regular occasions, I feel very wise beyond my years.

I’m a millennial, born in 1986. I often hear the elders complaining about millennials and how we’re corrupting society or making everything difficult. I can’t help but think about how the older generations are who molded us, trained us into what we would grow into. They taught us about what we’d like to carry forward into society and show us constantly traits that we’d collectively like to leave in the past.

It begs the question in my mind, what are we doing, here? Not “what are we doing here?” as in why are we on earth in this universe, that’s not what I mean. I’m asking what are we doing in these roles we’ve developed over time? It seems we carry so much influence from the past, we end up turning into just one giant clusterfuck of a mess, and no one will take responsibility and acknowledge that’s what’s going on.

I can’t help but ponder what could I be doing differently or what am I doing that I probably shouldn’t do? What am I actually doing with this life I’ve been given?

My soul has always seemed like it has lived many lifetimes before this one. And I can’t help but feel that my soul may have lived in a better frame of time than I’m having to live through, currently. I know it’s all part of the process, but I’m starting to realize that I need to really evaluate the impact my existence is having in this frame of time.

I need to be a positive impact.

I guess that’s my point. What’s your impact look like?

-TyleR

Featuring: Love

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Love, oh love…what to say.
When I signed up for love, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. There are the movies of “what love’s supposed to look like,” but they aren’t reality. The funny thing about movies is that it inspires some people to live their lives that way, almost as a playbook for how things should go, except that they aren’t true reality. Drawing inspiration is healthy, but your life is not that life. Your life cannot be compared to anyone else’s.

My love is no exception. I found an amazing connection that has change my whole life. The way I do things now, the route I take, and future planning have all taken a figurative highway exit into this new paradigm for the reality of my life.

In that transition to nurturing a healthy love, inadvertently, there are pieces that create a ripple effect. Looking at time takes on a whole new perspective.

I never knew a love like this existed. When I first stepped into this, I knew I loved him, but I didn’t realize I was going to want to do everything in life with him. I didn’t realize I was going to be so excited in the idea of spending every single day with him for the rest of my life. I didn’t know, even just the idea of spending a night without him, would give me anxiety. I’ve never known love like this was possible.

He makes me feel so special every moment we’re together. He has the ability to make me feel like I’m normal and that my oddities aren’t so “out there.” I have a person that celebrates me and always tries to include me as an equal.

He loves to show me off. I’ve never had a man give me so much life! It’s so awesome to be the boyfriend next to this guy! He’s such a beacon of hope and joy. He inspires me, on a regular basis, to stay the course and strive to get the most out of life.

That’s the kind of energy I need in order to continue on this highway of life. Having a partner, a best friend, a sweet angel on earth to walk with through this journey makes every day so much easier! I always believed in soul mates, and I feel I’ve found someone that connects just as much with my soul as my brain. (looks are an added bonus.)

With this type of love, I can understand how communication with some of my coupled friends faded away over time. It’s no ones fault, it’s an inevitable reality. When I’m at work, I’m busy. Evenings don’t always allow for a lot of quality time. When there are days off where we can both come together, we try to spend as much time together as possible. That’s the way our love works.

That doesn’t mean that I love anyone else any less, it’s just that my free time is allocated a little differently. I am so excited with the way my life is and I don’t feel guilty about that.

I feel like I am doing all the best things for myself for now, which is something I haven’t done in large parts of my life. I focused a lot of my time and energy on making sure others were pleased in life, without really taking time for my own happiness. When my life was forced to change months ago, I had an opportunity to take control of my own journey.

I continue focusing on being 100% satisfied with my life and the decisions I make for my future. Having love along on the journey helps me realize how all those infamous couples lasted a lifetime.

Falling in love with Shawn taught me what love is.

♥️

Overcoming pandemic fever.

Hello hello hello.

Something strange happened when the pandemic started. Haha, that sounds funny to think about.

The start of the Covid-19 lockdown took a dramatic toll on my emotional state, as did others that I’ve spoken to. We had to figure out a way with which to cope through this wild time. I don’t know of anyone currently alive that has first hand experience with a global shutdown, especially due 100% to a contagious disease. There has been unfair criticism on decision makers since this pandemic started. When a situation such as this arises, who really knew how to respond correctly? But, I digress.

Since that time, working through this new, restricted life has presented many, many, many, many, many, many, many challenges. During the first year, I didn’t feel confident about anything. Life got to a point where it was very difficult to find any sense of contentment, much less happy. I’m curious if others can relate to that sentiment, the inability to find happiness, even if it was just for a short time? (Comment if you can relate.)

At first, I felt like the person I was presenting to the world was a very nervous, overthinking individual. I had a few moments of being able to feel true happiness, but the rest of the time was sad and depressing! Not only was I having trouble finding happy, the person I was putting out there was showing how unhappy I was. All that is to say that I didn’t feel comfortable even showing off.

I can be one of those tacky people that posts selfies to show off. A lot of people, mostly millennials, post selfies when something interesting happens to let the world know just how happy you are. During that time, I wasn’t posting very many selfies.

All that changed around the time I met Shawn. Recent times had its stressful moments, but have brought me to a higher level than I’ve ever been. I never knew that having love in my life could make magic happen. My life is truly happy. Shit is really looking up, and I’m so happy with the life I’ve chosen, and thoroughly glad to have Shawn here for all of it.

The Tyler I get to present to the world now is a happy person. I’ve found life like I’ve never known, and it’s truly fantastic! Our pandemic circumstances seem to be getting better, or at least for now, and the person I am going into safe life as, is happier than I’ve ever felt. We gone see…#watchforrings

So, here’s a happy selfie. Life is good.

2021

This is the story of how the year 2020 almost completely wrecked my entire life.

2020 started off like any other year, full of hope and inspiration, but there was a slight stink in the air. Something was coming, and everyone felt it, whether they believed it or not, something was coming to rock this little speck of a planet. I think we as residents of earth forget that there are outside energy forces slightly pushing or nudging into our lives, bringing unnecessary reactions. But, I digress.

2020 resulted in unemployment, my first opportunity to be “laid off,” and a severed societal connection due to social distancing. Anyone who knows me knows I love people! I love to meet new people, find new fads, and explore pieces of the planet that other people will never even hear of. Being home most of the time, alone, enforced a new level of introspection that I hadn’t realized yet. Lol

I began manifesting my future, figure out little specs of what I wanted after we weren’t in lockdown. We were basically put under medical house arrest because “it was in our best interest to stay home and away from others.” That’s pretty wild, but we lived through the hard part, and now we’re on the other side. The worst has passed. We will mend everything that has broken and we will be stronger.

But back to me, since this is about my life and how 2020 directly affected me. Besides months of unemployment, new job, getting laid off, unemployment again, there didn’t seem to be much worse of a situation. I was wrong. Two hurricanes blew through my neighborhood in Louisiana. Needless to say, things got worse.

In the midst of all the disaster, I met this person that made my day. He became my boyfriend and ultimately, I took a pile of terrible circumstances and chose to start over. There were definitely huge leaps of faith, taking chances, and basically bettering my life on a hope and the ideas of the life I had manifested, months before.

Things worked out and we’re extremely happy with one another and we plan to have take things more seriously this year, 2021. May end up with some surprises, but it’s been great!

That doesn’t mean my past is over. I was eventually able to break the shock from my whole life being ruined back home. I found ways to cope with that PTSD from the storms, and I know it isn’t easy. I think there’s a lack of remorse and consideration for the area of Lake Charles and Cameron Parish. Those storms don’t just come back later and clean up after themselves. They leave behind devastation that is still being forced upon all those citizens. It still breaks my heart when I think about it, and today, I thought about it.

My old life came flashing back while I started filing my taxes. It was just a mess. I feel so bad for all those people that are going through probably the most difficult and taxing time since it all started. Now, you have to go back and relive 2020 all over again. Prayers for everyone, and just know that it’s going to get better! Keep on living. ♥️

Welcome to My 2021.

If you’re reading this entry, then you’ve made the conscious decision to follow me into 2021, and I’m hoping it is offering new blessings already, only 3 days in!

Our journey to enlightenment and a happy future has carried us all into a new year, beaming with potential and so many amazing possibilities! The time to write your future is here. There’s no time to waste, get in gear and show your true production value!
Humans are the greatest producers of energy on the planet! We have created machines and learned so many different ways to multiply our energy! Let’s all strive to create positive vibrational energy! Increase our ability to survive and maintain a great planet, filled with variety, culture, and a unique, once in a lifetime, experience. Our generations to come deserve to know what life is/could be like; our civilization has worked too hard on building such an enormous experience for everyone involved!

While I’m wondering the world, exploring new things, altering my anxieties in order to still have fun, and finding new ways to love, I’m realizing that to live is to learn. Every moment that passes is a once in a lifetime opportunity to learn something new that could bring me to the next level. I feel it’s my responsibility as a fully realized human being to take full advantage of every single moment that I’m given. To waste time is to waste your life.

None of us are perfect, so using every single moment for learning is nearly impossible. Knowing when you can take a break and how long to break is the key. Getting stuck on a break for too long can cause significant damage which can take time to repair. I have taken breaks that took a lot of learning to bounce back from, but at this time, in the point of my lifetime, I’m at a point where I’m about to push myself harder than I ever have! It’s time to get serious about my next chapter. I want this next collection of memories to be fantastic and filled with nothing but excitement, happiness, and a feeling of satisfaction, beyond my wildest dreams! I hope I can inspire at least one person, but even if I don’t, I’ll be living through a magnificent adventure.

Love,

Tyler

Red Flags

Decisions are inevitable, and some are much more difficult than others, while some are complete no-brainers. Sometimes when evaluating a decision, there are red flags.

Red flags are those pieces of a decision that stop your normal brain processing, and make you go, “is that supposed to sound right?” Some people are oblivious to red flags, make the decision anyway, and just deal with the consequences later, as they come. Others can spot a red flag from a mile away and know well enough to steer clear of that situation. On my journey to enlightenment and prosperity, I’ve struggled with honing my skill to spot red flags, becoming more mindful, and changing the course.

Encouragement. On the journey to enlightenment, you can find guides that can offer different perspectives to assist you in making better decisions. These gifted individuals can show you a relatable outcome that they’ve experienced, or offer a similar situation that can help you to make a better decision. You and I always have to keep in mind that no two situations ever happen exactly the same, and there’s no way to predict what could possibly be the outcome. There are things you and I can do in order to sway a possible outcome, but ultimately, we must give it all over to the universe to allow what will be, be. Friends and guides will often offer encouragement, and it is a gift, however, if there is a red flag protruding from the situation, see it. I want to repeat that…SEE IT. Look at it, acknowledge that it’s real, and that it’s a potential problem or could create a problem down the line.

There are no decisions that are excluded from the potential of having a red flag. Relationships, job offerings, friendships, religion, investments, buying a home, buying a car, having a baby, and all the other decisions in your life have the potential to expose one or several red flags. These must be acknowledged. Overlooking something that seems small or unimportant can lead to major problems,, and cause disappointment. Investigate the red flag, ask more questions, get a straight answer. Don’t accept an unsatisfactory answer, because chances are, you aren’t getting the truth.

1 + 1 = 200%

Friends, lend me a few moments of your time to discuss balanced relationship expectations.

All too often, we’re told “relationships are 50/50.”

If you are only bringing 50% of yourself to the table, not only are you shortchanging yourself, but you are setting an expectation that your partner only needs to bring 50% to the relationship. In order to live a fully realized and mindful life and to truly be authentic, you must constantly strive to give 100% of yourself. In order to build a successful relationship, you and your partner both have to agree to bring 100%, stated plainly, 1 + 1 = 200%.

Giving 100% isn’t easy. Unresolved insecurities or a sordid past can lead to reservations against being 100% authentic, but you owe it to yourself to be willing to put your best self forward. You must break any prior conditioning that created those insecurities. Your partner deserves your best. If, at times, you are only capable of less that 100%, that’s okay, just never stop reaching for your true potential. Take the time for self care, so you can get back to your best.

You control your own level of greatness. Your best should always actually be your personal best. Everyone’s best is different. If you are lazy or holding back, not going the full distance of your abilities, then you are doing an injustice to yourself. Other people’s perception of you is based on your actions and results. If you are only giving 50, 60, 70%, then that is how others will view you. You are setting an expectation that you are only capable of 50%.

All you really have in life is your performance. It’s true for relationships, but this follows into friendships and employment, also.

Friendships should always be 100/100. There’s a mutual bond in friendships, connecting two people together. If you aren’t willing to be 100% invested in the friendship, can someone ever really count on you. Again, it’s all about perception and the expectation that you set. You should always want to be the best friend possible, otherwise you are wasting your time and theirs. Choose wisely how and with whom you spend your time.

In your job, the expectation from your employer is that when you are on the clock, you should be giving 100%. The company is paying you for your time, so that’s a fair expectation, whether you think the wage is appropriate or not. You signed the contract for employment, and you made an agreement for the compensation. In retrospect, the employer should be willing to give 100% to their employees, as well. A company that does not support its employees or doesn’t offer competitive benefits throws off the expectation balance, which typically leads to the employees not keeping up their end of the bargain.

The Golden Rule still rings true. How can you have expectations if you, yourself, aren’t giving 100%. You control your performance, so do yourself a favor and always strive for 100%. People will notice, and in most cases, you’ll get the acknowledgement you deserve. If you don’t, then it’s time to move on.