I’m very candid about my trauma therapy journey, including, but not limited to talk therapy, meditation, EMDR, group therapy, and at it’s simplest version, positive reinforcement. After Mother Nature’s indirect shenanigans in 2020, I was diagnosed with a wild case of PTSD, and realized it was in my best interest and the best interest of the entire universe to seek some help to gain a good grasp on reigns of my mental and emotional life. Through all these channels, I’ve learned so many things about myself and my abilities, along with unlocking the door to the darkest depths of my soul, the places where the sun refuses to shine. So, you know what I did? I brought a lamp down there and I plugged it into my soul, and I began slowly illuminating the buried good, bad, pretty, and ugly memories of my past. There’s this thing that happens with any level of trauma: your memories, whether good or bad, get lost in the traumatic experience. For me, I had to relive terrible moments in my history in order to regain the great moments that were lost in the traumatic transition.
Let me clarify something here. There are levels of trauma. Humans have different levels of security and insecurity which are influenced by traumatic experiences. Everyone I’ve ever met in my entire life, personal, professional, friends, family, even strangers, has trauma. It’s how you handle it, how you address it, how you heal it, and how you continue to work on healing it that really counts. There’s no shame in trauma or seeking help for it. This is a safe space, a judgement free zone. I’ve been exploring the different pieces of me that make up the whole Tyler. My therapist and I have been over this multiple times and the greatest conclusion we can come up with is that there is no normal, there is no black and white for how a human’s brain and personality work, and the simple fact is that responses to emotional stimuli are fluid. That’s right, it’s fluid! There is no “this is how I am programmed and I will always react this same way every time, no matter what!” It’s fluid. I may have several different reactions to different situations and I can feel each and every one of them because I’m outside of the “a thing happened, and here’s the traditional response that other ‘normal’ humans typically respond.” I’m not typical. None of us are, but society has to create buckets of reasonably acceptable responses to uphold the unfortunate idea of stereotypes. But alas, I digress! This post is not about that…it’s about the pieces of me that steer this ship.
Recently, during a session, my therapist and I did an exercise similar to a meditation to evaluate pieces of myself. I was to close my eyes and call upon a piece of me that I don’t focus a lot or enough energy or attention on. I thought hard and pulled up my vulnerable side and also the anger side. The anger side is difficult to conjure up, but vulnerability isn’t very hard for me. While focusing on my vulnerable side, a strange thing happened. My essence, my soul, my light side emerged. It was my pure self, the other worldly piece that gets covered up or pushed to the side in my regular life. I always have so many other things/obligations that this part of me is often almost smothered out, which is sad because this is my most authentic, natural, organic piece. It’s the me I want to always strive to stand firm in and can trust. In that moment, however, the doubt, insecurity, and harsh control factors popped back into play and pushed the light back down or to the back of the space.
In that meditation experience, it helped me realize that I need to describe or label the pieces of me and how they interwork with or against one another. I need to break down just how the pieces affect the whole and what I can do to ease the stress and burden of keeping it all in balance, ultimately maintaining a level of fluidity to have it all together but with separate pros and cons. It’s a novel concept to believe that humans are consistent in their emotions, but that’s just not always the case. We are complex, complicated specimens, and reactions are not always predictable or guaranteed to be the same as the last time.
Here we go: (this list is ever growing, but I’m pretty confident in these pieces)
Essence - my core being
Manager #1
Firefighter
Outside Auditor
Insecurity
Security
Bad Decision Maker
ESSENCE - SOUL - INNER CHILD - BEFORE TRAUMA: This piece is the trust form, the purist, the me that I want to be all day, every day. This piece has a very strong voice with volume capabilities to overpower and shout over any other piece to gain my attention and keep things real. The essence always has my best interest in mind and is willing to duke it out to stay on the correct course of action while always being a team player. There is always room for improvement, but the essence really is the path I would have stayed on and constantly work to get back to had all the trauma and difficult times not forced me into this guilt ridden state of necessity. The essence is a place of great power and strength, always able to steer the ship back to a healthy center and maintaining grace and gratitude for the entire mental health team. LOL.
MANAGER #1 - THE BADDEST BITCH - INTERNALIZED CARETAKER: This piece normally uses good judgement to make great decisions with safety and security in mind. Cautious - powerful - strong - not always perfect and not always a true team player. What to say about the manager? She was created out of some sort of intense trauma from a very young age. There must have been some significant reason for me to conjure up such a badass mother fucker to run the show for so long. She is the epitome of security, taking things too far many times to keep me and the essence piece from getting hurt or having feelings in general. The manager sits in a place of logic and fact. The other pieces are always agreeable because she is practical and takes into consideration the most important facts and makes, well suggests or recommends the perfect case scenario, regardless of what the other pieces have to say or how they will be affected. The manager has typically taken into consideration every detail of the situation and keeps a level head when persuading me to choose a decision, but doesn’t always incorporate emotions or feelings, which can create problems. Life decisions aren’t always 100% logical and require emotional aspects. Along the journey, the manager has been more open to emotions and allowing other pieces to step in and help with the final decision, but often times, the logic does outweigh the other challenging pieces. Lots of credit must be given to the manager for getting me through extremely tough times, and I cannot really ever dwell too long on “what might have been different” scenarios had the manager never been introduced to the journey. I keep a close eye on the dealings of the manager because there have been times where my essence has been put on autopilot or checked out during intense times, and the manager stepped in to take control, not always leaving a crack in the door for the essence piece to keep watch on things to ensure a healthy balance. Those moments were also times of extreme trauma or instances where I had been prescribed an antidepressant or anxiety medication, which weakened the essence piece and strengthened the manager piece. I believe in medicine helping people, but for me, it was merely a bandaid, which when ripped off exposed the pre-existing trauma, still waiting to be treated. I work very hard on keeping the manager in the loop, but she has been retired for some time now. She is only allowed to take the reigns if I’m having an extremely rare bad day or if I need some reassurance from self doubt issues. I’ve done a lot of work around lifting myself up and not needing to depend on the logical strengths of the manager. As time goes on, I can imagine keeping the manager on as a consultant, but not full time, and definitely no benefits(LOL), just in case the essence piece ever needs some backup.
All in all, I’ve appreciated the manager along the journey of my post-trauma life, but she needs to stay in her lane and not try to manipulate the show with overly logical persuasion. The Manager #1 is often equated to an Oprah-like figure or someone of high power or significance. A bad bitch or a bad mother fucker.
FIREFIGHTER - SECURITY - PROBLEM SOLVER and PROBLEM CREATOR: My therapist helped me to narrow down this piece as an extra piece in the mix, but a manager #2 type of role. The firefighter has good intentions and does great work, however, there always seems to be a regret or something else is ruined because of the firefighter’s influence. In practical terms, a firefighter is there to put out a blaze, however, when they are gone, they may have put out the fire, but they’ve soaked all the contents and ultimately indirectly caused other damage. Sometimes, it feels like the firefighter is just the Manager #1 with no regard for the outcome or the responsibility factor is lost. There’s no way for me to truly understand why the firefighter is part of the show, but my therapist can sight situations where I’ve made a good decision, but it caused another problem or issue, so I guess it’s real, but IDK.
INTERNAL AUDITOR - OVERSIGHT: This piece is an influence that seems to keep the moral compass pointed in the correct direction with the essence piece, Manager #1, and any other outside force that could hinder the outcome of a situation. The manager may not even realize the auditor is there doing a second check to make sure nothing has been inadvertently missed. This auditor is wild and crazy because the most random potential idea will show up with no chance of happening, but it’s still there as a possibility. It appears the auditor was created as a backup plan if the well thought through Manager #1 still couldn’t guarantee my safety. How far I was willing to enhance myself after the trauma to make sure I was safe and secure. I can understand the significance, however, it’s a bit overkill.
INSECURITY - This is the piece that cannot accept the flaws of this existence very well. The essence piece is flawless, 100% unique, individual, and one of a kind. I always strive to stay secure, but there are things about this physical being that make me self conscious or doubt myself and lack confidence. The insecurity isn’t a piece that shows up often anymore, mostly because I’m pretty proud of my whole self and not many people can penetrate the forcefield around me.
SECURITY - I possess a strong secure side that keeps me happy and satisfied with this life. I tend to enjoy being alive and sharing the special moments with myself and all the pieces. They all contribute to the greater good. Being secure hasn’t always come naturally. Being confident is one thing but owning the security of one’s existence is not easy. I’ve found a consistent connection with security and confidence, so when the scale is ever tipped, it balances back out pretty quickly.
BAD DECISION MAKER - Even with all these great supporter pieces, there is always the bad decision maker. This piece acts out of impulse and sabotages a great thing when given the least bit of a chance. This piece is steadfast and brutally argumentative and will challenge the manager, the firefighter, and all the auditor pleas to cease and desist, and sometimes, when the system is too weak, bored, hungry, horny or looking for a thrill, it will win. The bad decisions are made, and while it may offer temporary excitement or satisfaction, there is burden, guilt, and the remorseful aftermath. Minutes, hours, days or even weeks will be required to heal the bad decisions, and yet the lesson is never really learned, for when a risky or thrilling opportunity arises, the bad decision debate will again rear its ugly head and 9 times out of 10 will get its way. The other pieces aren’t necessarily disappointed or mad because for that brief moment, the entire system wins, even if it’s only temporary.
The pieces are fluid, never black and white. It may sound a bit outlandish, but have you ever experienced trauma that made you react a certain way, created an irrational fear of something that others can’t necessarily understand, or you’re too ashamed to even discuss it with other people in your life. Have you ever met someone with a trauma that has manifested itself physically as a tick or trimmer? These things happen often and to people who are closest to you. I chose to deep dive into my trauma because I have this one shot, this one chance at this life, and I was tired of wasting it in a place filled with too many trauma responses. This is a glorious life, and I’m so grateful for all the amazing gifts and blessings I’ve been given. Have you ever considered assessing your own pieces? :)
